Confessions of a degen - and the road to Redemption

    • Confessions of a degen - and the road to Redemption

      There are currently exactly 142 days left of 2015, however I want my «work» 2015 to bedone by the 22nd of December so I can enjoy a relaxing Christmas holiday for the first time in a few years! That leaves mewith 133 days to conclude the 1000 hour project I've started. Infact, I'm cheating a little bit because I've already played for 2days, so more accurately would be 1000 hours in 135 days. That's roughly 7 1/2 hours a day, or 52 hours a week. That's a lofty goaleven for me to maintain over such a long period of time, but I'm also confident that I have grinded in excess of 2000 hours each of the last10+ years, and I am more than capable of doing 16 hour days, so it should be more than doable.

      I'm starting out with$1k on zoom50 because it is very easy to get massive volume there,and I'm only missing about 42k vpps from a $2,6k bonus which meansfor the next 42k vpps I'll have 65%ish RB which is nice! So hopefullyI manage to break even or better and end up with $6k or more to playon with. I'm hoping to make somewhere in the area of $50k, so Iobviously have to get to nl100 or higher to do that.

      Now that the project isoutlined all that remains is some back ground:
      I started playing fulltime (well I did go to high school occasionally) when I was 17, and before I turned 18 I had made 6 digits $. Tosay the least this fucked me up hard, and ready to conquer the worldI moved out to a $3k/month apartment which I was never even in. I played live poker for the first time ever in EPT Monte Carlo main event deciding to go 2 days before and just paid the €10,6k buy-in. My first (unfortunately of many Monaco trips "cost" me around $50k) Obviously I've never had any real MTT success, or you would've heard of me! I made a great living and life was very good.

      I lived in 5 starhotels, my wardrobe when I was 21 cost much more than I'm hoping tomake in this project and I was cocky enough to find Ralph Lauren and Lacoste cheap, it obviously had to origin from the fashion designers in Milano. I had short stints where I actually was smart enough tolend apartments or houses in UK/Spain and I had some great times, but unfortunately my good decisions were overshadowed by my bad ones. Theonly constant was that I was always making 6 digits a year, so therewas no worry. Well at least until I was more drunk than sober, andthe games started getting tougher. Since I hadn't worked on my gamesince I began 6 years earlier I found myself not being able to beatnl400-nl1k anymore, and something had to be done.

      I got a coach that was ahead of his time and is now quite well known on one of the big coaching sites. He got me «printing» again, and I was making $20-50k a month for a while. Obviously good things never last long with me, and my bad habits of spending every dime and degeneracy caught up with me again. Fortunately he left me with good enough fundamentals to keep beating the games for 3 more years (granted I started playing smaller and smaller since I was never able to keep a BR for more than 2 months). So the «printing» became a real grind,and instead of making $100+ an hour I was making $30-50. Obviously still not terrible, but never being able to keep a roll meant that I had to play zoom/rush to even be allowed to play nl100 (obviously never had enough to play 16 6-max tables!!), so last year I played more than 2 mill hands in the 6 months I played online and still made nice money. The rest of the year I was off living in $500/night hotels playing live, golfing and drunk.

      On to 2015. I decided that I could do Supernova Elite on nl200 zoom, but since my BR was only $2k I had to start on nl100. I quickly realized that beating 100zoom on Stars was more than hard enough, and I never had a BR to go back to my safe hunting grounds at iPoker where $10k/month was «easy» even on nl100 due to my insane volume and nice RB. Then I started testing spin and go's, and after learning them I was making 3-5k vpps a day and beating the highest ones, but I was hating every minute of it. I tried to get a cash game coach that wanted to work with me (my old one only plays PLO/MTTs now), but that proved harder than I thought! Nonetheless I had a sicko spin-up and all of a sudden a few hundred $ had turned into $40-50k.

      Then came the Month ofApril. I was invited to a sicko party by a high-stakes player that had binked his millionth HUGE tournament in a short while so I went with the plan of finding a place with him there after the party, and just go back to playing live full time now that I had the BR to do it again. Unfortunately he didn't want to get an apartment before after Vegas (he lived in hotel rooms l do!), so I just stayed and degened it up playing live and living in my favorite $500/night (before roomservice and spa!). Needless to say I can't remember much from that week, except for the part where I had to call a friend to get him to book me a plane ticket back home.

      Fortunately I managed to get a great coach and I got back to grinding nl100 on iPoker. I think I made $12,5k in the first 3 or 4 weeks before I managed to donk off everything and then didn't have the chance to grind until just recently again.

      So now I have a $1k BR, back home living with my parents (marvelous!) and my phone has been dead since April (thank God for imessage on wireless:p). I had no other option but to start job searching a couple of weeks ago, but having no work experience and only a year of Uni I have no chance of getting one. The only positive is that 5 days ago I had $300 and was playing nl25. I managed to get it up to $1k, and now I hope I don't get a job until my parents throw me out so I can grind non-stop again :)

      I figured writing this blog would be a good way to stay away from old patterns, and to give me extra motivation on my last attempt at doing this for the rest of my life. Monday was the first day of the rest of my life, and I now know how it feels to not even have money for gas so I can get to the golf course or buy a new book! I can tell you it is fucking boring not to be able to grind, and also not be able to get anywhere todo anything but watch tv series and sleep! So i vow never again take money from the poker bankroll except for a fixed allowance that will be decided once I get back to grinding nl100 again with a safe BR, but nothing extravagant like before, maybe $1.5k+/- a month. It's very hard to know you can make $10k a month only in RB on nl100 if you have a roll, so I never want to get that feeling while making $15/hour at a gas station AND have to tax for it!

      Enough TL;DR, and Ineed to get back to the grind :) I just want to finish by saying I usually run/bike/do weights and golf every day, but all of those will take second priority for a while, but I will definitely use them inbad stretches or when I can't grind anymore to get refreshed for more! Hopefully I have grinded in enough $$$ by December to find a cheap apartment somewhere far away from this country (and myparents'!) and I will know where my BR and skill level is so I can decide if I should do Supernova Elite for 2016. I will try to update the blog with some graphs and maybe some degen stories when I have the

      Graph so far:



      Cliffs:
      1000 hours beforeChristmas
      $1k start BR
      Hope to make $50k

      JD
    • I would like to say that the first week was a total disaster, but I guess it wasn't the end of the world even with my short bankroll. Although more than half of my RB at this point is thrown into grinding out the last 33k vpps (now) for a $2,6k bonus the FPPs are still keeping me alive. I started off wanting to do 15 hour days while running or biking every day, but it left me with only 6-7 hours left to sleep, and with the amount of kilometers in my legs and 15k hands a day I need more like 9-10 to recover in every way. I used to be able to do this for weeks, or even months, so I'm not sure if it's me getting older, or my game not being good enough to keep doing it this way, because I kept losing. Obviously losing $600 is not "THAT" bad when you rake $1,8k with 65% RB (I guess that leaves me with netto +$570, but all of that is only invested in getting closer to the bonus, which isn't really helping me when I'm literally short on ca$h!).

      I really don't mind only breaking even on nl50 zoom at this point as it is consistently making me $20ish/hour in RB, and then it's just a matter of logging 2-3 weeks and I'll be back playing nl100 on ipoker where I can make serious money (not that $20/hour isn't serious money if you log enough hours), but yeah! Losing however is pretty devastating when the BR is equipped for it, so even though the bottom line is actually positive (nowhere near where I want it obviously) I can't keep going like this before I get the bonus or there will be nothing left to play with. This left me hardly playing at all the last 3-4 days of the week, and slightly changing my strategy to play a bit less until my BR and game have improved so that I only play when I am close to my A-game. I still logged like 52 hours this week, so I guess that's OK, but I would definitely like it to be 80ish/week at this point. I think that I can still do 70-80 without losing, but I tried pushing 100 this week and that's just not a good idea on a short roll.



      Since this update was pretty damn boring I guess I have to tell a degen story although I'm still struggling with putting these on paper as they all make me look like an absolute douché, oh well!

      Sooo I think it was my 2nd trip to EPT Monte Carlo (I have to be honest with you, most of the last 10 years is blurry at best!!), and I was 20 or 21. This time I had qualified for an EPT package worth €13kish finishing top 3 in a race (all top 3 got one). I have played a bunch of sicko races, but this one definitely took the cake. It was 10 or 14 days (not quite sure), but the only way to rake the most was to play hyper turbo SNGs, so we were playing them 23 hours a day. I literally didn't sleep more than 60minutes at a time, and I ordered chicken&rice twice a week that I just ate from the box without re-heating. I didn't even take a break when I ran to run to the bathroom, so in other words, fun 2 weeks!!!

      Nontheless I won the package and went to Monaco again. I got smashed the night before the main(obviously, who didn't at the time!!) and got there slightly late, meh, me and Phil Hellmuth. Anyways, I managed to bust in the last hand as the first break was starting, so it was not exactly a huge success!! To be fair I was flipping and he should've folded his shitty 1pair :D So then a week of partying and some soft sngs/cash games started, I definitely lost a lot as usual, but it's too long ago to remember too many details!

      So the night before we were leaving (not home because me and a friend or two were living somewhere else grinding live at the time), we obviously went out partying, and we ended up in some sicko blues night club with PLENTY of good looking girls, obviously they are not for free (something we painfully learned later). I was still a "rookie" in the party game, but me and a friend ended up drinking and chatting up (we thought) two girls. As it approached 5-6AM and the place was closing we needed a place to bring the girls, and unfortunately my friend was sharing a hotel room with another friend in one hotel, and I was sharing with one in a different one, so the only option was to get a new one! The fact that we had check-out 5 hours later and flights to catch at mid-day obviously didn't even begin to influence our thinking, so we ended up in the closest/most exclusive hotel in Monaco. Obviously getting single rooms wasn't cool enough, so we had to go all-out ballurrr and pay for the 2-bedroom suite. I can't remember 100% what it cost, but it was €2.5-€3k/night. Adding to that we bought Dom Perignon and grey goose worth €500 in room service, and my friend managed to pay his girl €1k. I still swear that I didn't pay her any since I "knew" how much cash I brought, but that might just be hopeful thinking :D

      Long story still a bit too long, we woke up in the same bed (luckily in each our bath robes!) at 4 pm with 4 billion texts and missed calls on our phones. My friend had spent €3kish, I had spent €2kish I think. Add that we had to pay for an additional night at each our hotel rooms (€400 each) at the other hotels and a new plane ticket at €500 a piece it ended up being a pretty expensive night!

      I have to say it was all worth it when I got to fly a different airline where they let me choose what my "title" was with different options than MR & MRS. We found it pretty hilarious to have LORD and SIR printed in front of our names on our plane tickets back to our apartment :D

      Oh well, time to get to bed so I can be ready for a week of grind where I'm not going to god damn lose at the games!
    • Today was a decent day. Slept way too long because of emoness, but still managed to get in 9kish hands and a 3 hour bike ride. I had a nice session with my coach yesterday where we had a look at some of the leaks I knew I had, and I'm confident that led me to play a lot better today. At one point I was +$300 and had the nutstraight on the turn in a $25 pot where I potted and he check-shipped his set and binked a FH in a $280 or close to 6 buyins pot! That was pretty tilting when I was having a good day, but oh well! My coach also told me you only get KK vs AA once per 10k hands, I had 3 today, FML! I guess I'm not going to complain while I'm still in green though: bildr.no/view/bTBCQW9S

      It's now 4:15 AM my time and I have actually booked a golf tee time for tomorrow at 10:30 which means I have to get up at 8:30. But since I woke up at 15:30 it's sort of hard to fall asleep too early, so I decided to blog before trying to sleep 4 hours! I hate that I am "losing" 6 hours worth of grinding time, but I have realized that I can't grind non-stop and that I need to be active and sleep, so hopefully tomorrow will be a good day with golf in the best weather all summer followed by grind from 15-0400 or something!

      On to something way off topic (or actually in this blog it might be spot on topic!)
      The most decent thing I ever did was break up with my ex because I managed to realize how much of a retard degen I actually was, so after 3ish years with the most perfect girl in the universe I ended stuff with her. Obviously I was too weak not to hook up with her for another year or two, but for the last 3 years or so I haven't spoken to her! So obviously I haven't been interested in a relationship at all since then. Hooking up occasionally with random girls has pretty much been my only interaction with the female kind! I'm not saying that's a good thing by any means, and I actually considered getting in a relationship a few months ago because that would force me to get serious in life (who am I kidding, it didn't work the last time!!).

      But the last few months I've been texting a really cute girl that I sort of hooked up with at a friends Eurovision party (not kidding)! I think we were both too drunk to actually do it, but we both slept on her couch and since then I've been texting with her daily. She is travelling around the world in about 45 days for 3 months, so that plus the fact that I am BUSTO and live with my parents have led me not to proceed with things. I did stop hooking up with a different chick though, so I guess that's something :D Obviously it's not the best time to start a relationship with someone that is leaving for 3 months, but today I started thinking it might be a good idea! Maybe I can stay in her apartment while she is gone? Pay the electricity&internet and move my computer and boom I have a grinding nest where my parents aren't nagging me about getting a job or cleaning up every day!! So should I ask her for a date this weekend?:D I have way too many good plans that the girls love, so I guess we'll see:P And yeah, I've sort of told my parents that I'm applying for some random jobs, and I actually have to take one soon if I don't start winning and able to move out again, so there's that!

      Time to catch 4 hours of sleep before a perfect day at the golf course (only thing that sucks is that I'm going to be absolutely horrible and the golf course is going to be fully booked, so I'm probably going to kill someone that's playing a different hole :P) followed by grind and maybe a run if I am up for it!
    • johndoeb wrote:

      But the last few months I've been texting a really cute girl that I sort of hooked up with at a friends Eurovision party (not kidding)! I think we were both too drunk to actually do it, but we both slept on her couch and since then I've been texting with her daily. She is travelling around the world in about 45 days for 3 months, so that plus the fact that I am BUSTO and live with my parents have led me not to proceed with things. I did stop hooking up with a different chick though, so I guess that's something Obviously it's not the best time to start a relationship with someone that is leaving for 3 months, but today I started thinking it might be a good idea! Maybe I can stay in her apartment while she is gone? Pay the electricity&internet and move my computer and boom I have a grinding nest where my parents aren't nagging me about getting a job or cleaning up every day!! So should I ask her for a date this weekend?:D I have way too many good plans that the girls love, so I guess we'll see:P And yeah, I've sort of told my parents that I'm applying for some random jobs, and I actually have to take one soon if I don't start winning and able to move out again, so there's that!
      Srsly when the only thing that changed your mind to get in a relationship before her travels was that you could live at her place during this time, then it would be really bad if you do so. I mean, maybe we have different understandings of a relationship but this is really fucked up and not a good start at all.
    • Thanks Bigblindbets :)

      Don't worry ematpok, I was sort of kidding ;) I like the girl, but I am pretty sure it's not the best time to start a relationship when I am busto, living with my parents and planning on playing 1k hours before Christmas AND she is leaving for 3 months shortly :) '

      Today was a weird day.. I sucked hard at golf since I haven't played the last 2 weeks, then got home and grinded being epic tired after 3 hours sleep. Instead of being stupid I decided to take a nap, only felt worse afterwards but played and lost a bunch, then quit and was planning on going to bed. Then started playing again and won loads, then lost most of it towards the end before finally quitting! +$40 for the week in 15 hours and 15.6k hands. EV slightly better and $635 rake, so I guess that's an OK start to the week!

      What I am taking from this day is that if I'm going to waste time on golfing in the weekdays (I have to get up at 8AM to do so), I can't have my sleeping patterns to wake up at 12-2pm when I'm not golfing, just fucks me up too bad! So either not golf at all, or just change my sleeping patterns to going to bed at midnight-2am all the time. Not 100% sure which one I'll chose yet! If I just knew grinding 14 hours a day was working I wouldn't hesitate for a second to do it, but pushing the volume lately hasn't proven very successful!

      29k VPPs to go... Sigh!
    • johndoeb wrote:

      Obviously it's not the best time to start a relationship with someone ... but today I started thinking it might be a good idea! Maybe I can stay in her apartment while she is gone? Pay the electricity&internet and move my computer and boom I have a grinding nest where my parents aren't nagging me about getting a job or cleaning up every day!! So should I ask her for a date this weekend?
      omg had to laugh hardly :) go for it, sounds pretty dirty as your main goal is getting her apartment but whatever :P at least the grind is gonna be safe.
    • I have changed my game a lot this week and I've gone from losing a bunch in the red line [-$2k on nl50 in 50k hands or whatever last week) to be break even or winning this week which is a pretty major change. This has led to me winning, but also crazy swings, and I do spazz off more than I'd like, and it's also harder to grind forever with this playing style.

      Today I was going to take a shot on 100zoom if I managed to win like $1-200 to take a shot with first, but my downswing after being +$1k for the week continued down to +$300, so obviously the only thing to do was to take a shot anyways :D Would've been snapquit after $200ish lost, but luckily things went pretty smooth! I jinxed myself by posting how I was doing in the session on skype, and I was actually up to +$2k at one point


      I ended that session once things turned for the ugly but I still quit about +$1,5k. Once I'd quit I had played 10k hands for the day, but the night was still young, so I reloaded on food and pepsi max and decided to do one more session of nl100, but I wanted to go to bed happy so I decided to do a new stoploss of $200 since I had already lost $500ish from peak. Once I had lost $200ish I was leaving and I got ak vs kk on two tables and lost another 2 buyins! Not sure why the current session shows only -$280 since it's -$400, but oh well, nicer overall graph :P


      I'm pretty happy after today even if I'm down quite a bit from the top, but I've also already raked $2k for the week which is nice, and although the BR is pretty damn short even for zoom 50 still I'm going to try to get established on 100 zoom on evenings/weekends at least. Only 22k VPPs for $2,6k bonus and $1,6k fpps so hoooopefully I will have $5k+ to play with on ipoker in a week or so! To say the least I'm pretty damn happy I didn't decide on stupid things like having dinner with the chick tonight, especially since Tiger Woods is crushing it so far this week :D I guess that means I'm "stuck" with grind and watching sports for the rest of the week too! I was hoping to grind for another 4 hours tonight, but I'll call it an early night so I don't donk off even more winnings :p MAAAAAYBE I'll play some 50 zoom if I feel up for it after finishing a tv serie episode :) Anyways, 45 hours done so I'm doing good for my 1000 hour goal so far!
    • I was always going to write a new update sooner, but I was going to do a longer one and never allowed myself time to do it! So now I'm having a glass (or four) of wine while finishing a movie I started Saturday since the internet just went down in the middle of a session, and I figured it would be a good time to write an update! Especially since it's a new month when I wake up :)

      I am very happy getting from $300 and nl25 to now pretty much being established on nl100. The volume has been good, but not QUITE where I want it yet. 162k hands and 163 hours or something since 9th of August (so about on my estimated schedule of 52hours a week). But I am losing hours whenever I have a downswing, and especially if I have it in the evening or late at night. If I'm not downswinging I don't have a problem going 'till 6 am, but if I start losing hard I don't like to continue even if it's only 1 am. I am pretty sure I will get "over" that now that I am getting much closer to a safe bankroll for nl100. Obviously the problem now is that I want to play 200 zoom, but I am going to see if I can find out how life is without 20-30-40-50% life money swings per day and at least get to 100 buyins for nl100 before I start shotting 200 zoom with the money over that!



      I feel like my game is coming along nicely, I can't be AS sicko with attacking the pots on 100 zoom as on 50 zoom, but I am playing a break even red line at the moment which seems nice, and 4bb/100 (5ish EV) in 67k hands on 100 zoom. I doubt that I can maintain that winrate, but it would obviously be awesome if I could!!

      I have to finish with agreeing with whoever mentioned that Southpaw was awesome, and that I don't think there is a cuter girl everrrr than Rachel McAdams. Although True Detective 2 sucked she was fucking hot in that, and I've obviously been in love with her since I saw The Notepad with an ex ages ago :D
    • Hah, Flow! Nah, I'm going to stay "at home" until November the earliest. Then hopefully have enough dough to still have $10k+ online and rent + spendings secured for 6+ months. With my track record I should probably have 12 months of spendings and send it to a friend and have him give me weekly spending money :D I have no idea where I'm going yet, but it's definitely going to be a different country. I want some warmth in my life, so Portugal/Spain or something would be ideal, but can't play on ipoker or stars.com from either of those, so not sure. Maybe I'll just go to Scotland or London.. Still a while until I will have that problem though!!!

      Small tilt-update:
      After the update after my session on Monday where I was killing it I continued killing it on Tuesday as well until the inevitable downswing came and destroyed my life!!
      Obviously not the end of the world as I'm still up for the week, but pretty tilting +25bi in 24hours followed by -20bi in the next 48 hours! Murdering my volume :P Terrible 6 days on all fronts so far, need to get my ass outside + eat healthy + not drink + grind more again :O WHERE ART THOU DISCIPLINE?! Might go out for a long bike ride before grinding another 6-8 hours today. This week both Friday, Saturday and Sunday are grinding days for the first time ever :)