60 day challenge continued to NL100 grind

    • All it takes to win is one question.

      How do I beat this guy?

      Noone is just random. Everybody has patterns, everybody can be beat no matter how it seems.

      Did everything right today, prepared, opend up tables and lost 1.5BI in 20min vs a guy who just wouldn't fold, aggro IP and also ran good.

      I noticed how I'm losing it so I quit. In game I felt I have no idea how to beat him. It seemed if I continue he'll grind me down to busto.

      In the beginning of the match few suckouts happened and I believe it clouded my mind. I stoped looking for small stuff. I was on autopilot, thinking I can't beat him no way.

      Self pity mode set in. Why do I run so bad? This stupid poker is all luck unless u play 200k hands. I'm giving all I got and get this shit like I wouldn't do anything at all?

      I've cooled down. I'm tired of self pity. I'm glad that now I get angy if I see self pity. I am a champion. I will face this like a champion. I believe this is world preparing me for something huge.

      I did a HH review and obviously saw small signs I didn't in game that would change the flow of the game enitrely.

      How do I beat this guy?

      NO cb bluff unless really dry like 24J but cb light for value
      NO prbT/R bluff nor light for value cuz xb TP
      XR cbets, bet strong OTT after but only if u pick up eq.
      XR bets IP in limped pots, never bet if checks behind
      Call BIP lighter in 3bp or l/r pots on dry boards cuz he xb TP
      Slowplays nuts OOP, raise turns
      Limped pots donk 3rd pairs, call 2nd pair turning to 3rd pair OTT twice, call flop raise turn w/ draws
      Raise any kind of donks and continue OTT strong if overs
      2x 55%, 4x top 15% or limp and 4x if he let's you, if he raises limps try limping JJ-AA
      3b and l/r TT+ AT+ KQo KJs

      The only thing I do not knwo vs this guys is whether is it better to simply not cb bluff or maybe 3bar more often, example:

      924 A 5 he calld my 2bar w/ 28
      724 K 5 called 2bar 29

      My former coach was like, just don't cb bluff then ... this is what I've been doing my whole life ... now maybe it's better to 3bar cuz I'll get lots of folds OTR and more money this way, although it's true that in that situation then I won't be sure what to 3bar on which boards etc. since I wasn't doing it before ... I think the best is xb total crap+overs and cb like gutters/FD/OESD for bluff and 2bar if over card comes and 3bar no matter even if u miss .. think it's ok strategy for now

      ok about to meditate now, maybe take a 10min walk since it's sunny for the first time, listen to some motivation speeches and go back in.

      It's gonna be long 60days but I'm gonna come out a winner. 17th April is my Birthday, when I finish challenge. I'm turning 20, becoming an old fart, no time to waste.
    • DAY 5

      Time Played: 1.5h
      Hands Played: 350
      Profit: 0€

      Roller coaster of emotions today. Started hopeful and confident, lost, went into self pity mode, became angry at myself, pulled it together, knew what to focus on, steped into the arena again, can't lose now, lost for he second time, almost hit stoploss, but this time it was hard. One walk or session of meditation couldn't help cuz I really thought I'm playing good but I lost vs a guy who I had clear edge on and vs another guy who I blieved that if I play Agame which I did I'd win but somehow I lost and didn't know how exactly. There was no self pity or anger after this, but pure depression doubt and feelings of inferiority. I know why this gets to me, cuz I don't have confidence in my game, and I dont have that cuz I've been losing since day one since I started HU cash. I started to doubt that I'll never make it. Am I delusional and should really quit poker? This confidence you have is all fake based on nothing etc ... I felt whatever I do has no point, either I eat popcorn and watch TV or do HH review I still lose. BUT I knew this feeling from before so I didn't give in. I did not fall into my old habits. I knew I shouldn't turn on the tv, I shouldn't eat that chocolate, I should do something else from poker but benifical for life. But frankly I had no motivation for anything, II felt like the biggest loser. So I just sat on thee bed for like 1h and did nothing but think about lfe and convince myself not to turn on that TV, and I didn't. At some point I thought it's best to go to sleep for 2h and wake up w/ a clear mind. I tried, but I heard this ET voice, sleep is for weak. I watched some webinar after that did some reading and went to the theatre, I didn't felt like going though, felt it's stupid BS but actually it was great. It takes your mind off things, you learn this ancient stories and it made me creative, I got tons of ideas. Even woke me up and motivated me a bit so it's nice to go out when u lose instead to dwell on it at home. I came back rpetty tired but didn't wanna go to bed as looser so wanted to play 1 more hour/mediate/read a book before I go to bed. I did it and actually made it back to b/e. Cards also started to hit me. But I quit since I can not play my a game anymore. So now I'm gonna go to sleep.

      Plan tomorrow:

      visualize today what to do tmrw
      Sleep 8h->motivational wake up music
      drink water/eat well/no tv
      cold shower in the morning->prepare clothes in the bathroom->get a shirt, dress for success
      warmup(poker webinar, go over spots/things to remember and visualize)
      play(1table, be in the moment-alarm/ring, is he capable of it/cross reference info/HUD-SD connection/short term ups and down arent important/everyone is exploitable)
      don't get distracted by gf/parents->put in earphones nd tell everyone to leave you alone
      mediatate
      posture/handstands/affirmations


      Tomorrow I have to kill it. It's been a shitty week. I need a win. A solid day. Playing 8h, Agame.
    • Stacks:
      SB ($103.7BB) 104bb
      BB Hero ($102.95BB) 103bb
      Pre-Flop: (1.5BB, 2 players) Hero is BB :jd :js

      SB raises to 2BB, Hero raises to 8BB, SB calls 6.5BB

      Flop: :td :kh :6h ($18BB, 2 players)
      Hero checks, SB checks
      Turn: :9h ($18BB, 2)
      Hero checks, SB bets 13BB, Hero calls 13BB
      River: :6s ($44BB, 2)
      Hero checks, SB bets 39.1BB, Hero calls 39.1BB
      Final Pot: $122.2BB
      SB shows
      :7d :8h
      Hero shows
      :jd :js
      SB wins $121.2BB (net +$62.6BB)
      Hero lost $60.1BB

      Notes on the guy:

      QK 3b, call 4b shove
      wet flop donk pot Ahigh no draw, turn overcard bets pot again rvr shutdown
      donks are bluff
      overpot turn, 2/3 river bluff total air!
      J8Tss T7 xb
      3bar even on 4str8 board overpair, 1/2 rvr value bet
      prbR big 1.82 into 1.9€ is bluff!-small BIP or small bets are then value??!!!!!!
      dont OOP XXB bluff cuz calls 4th pair->value
      Ax Axxhh xb

      Relevant STATS: f3b 75%(3/4), probeTurn 35%, dcb 25%(1/4), steal 90%, fold to BIP in 3bp once

      So I have no 3b stats since he was folding a lot. Now looking at his Dcb and prb in SRP seems like fit fold so unles he hit 99 OTT he wouldn't bluff.
      I figured he'd BIP FD OTT since he was cbetting it in SRP. If he bet 5€ or something OTR I'd fold but since I had a read that he bets big/overbets I called.

      Okay considering the info given? I think It'd be easier if I knew how he bets his strong value hands in SRP but I didn't(suspect that smaller sizing). Maybe there were some other signs I should look for?

      Or it's just call and see, go from there? Maybe fold no questions?

      The post was edited 2 times, last by dovrha ().

    • DAY 6

      Time Played: 4h
      Hands Played: 700
      Profit: -10

      Prepare for this, another long ass post. Woke up as scheduled, did my morning routine like a boss, on point. Played fine 2h despite some suckouts. Then ti was time for lunch. Two families came w/ bunch of kids running around+our cat+their dog, time between soup/main meal/desert was right were it was not long enough for me to start a session and too long to just do nothing. Also the food sucked. My mom was trying to be fancy and it was all shit at the end, I was pissed cuz of those two things. Moreever I ate too much of the desert and was ful as fuck so couldn't play obv. I lay in bed w/ gf then decided to play cuz felt time is running out. Ofc without a warmup+noise I didn't do well(idiot). Besides there was million people on blaze tables so I couldn't get a tablle vs one or two opponents but only like 5 which I can't play cuz HUd not working etc. so I had no action. I was mad at everyone cuz my day didn't go as planned. Took a walk, drove gf home, went to the gym, wrote some of the stuff you'll see below, and only then when things setled down I could focus and play some more of Agame.

      In reality it's all my fault. I felt it yesterday that today is going to be a high distraction day but didn't do anything about it. I should have expected it and be prepared to deal w/ it.

      Also I reazlized there's no shame in low volume. If the conditions don't allow me, won't bother. I used to live w/ this high volume grinders playing 200-300h/month so I feel bad now if I don't play 200h but it's not time for me yet, although I plan to make one 300h month in 2016.

      On the positive side I sucked out on people for the first time this week, two times:) wuhu A3vQQ and A9v99 ... first hand guy was 3betting 35% over bigger sample so I 4b shoved, second guy was on tilt shoveing every hand so I called. I feel I'm runnign a bit better, just not getting action.

      Ok so week will be soon over and I don't wanna wait for that to capture general things I learned and need to have in mind so I did it today while I couldn't play. At least I improved in a way that when things don't go my way I don't fall into old habits like TV/random eathing/browsing internet but rather do something useful.

      ----------------------

      • know your Cgame(writing adaptations, following basic HUD, noticing sizing tells)->if u autopilot pull it together, if u feel u cant(tired, mind damaged cuz of suckouts) quit BUT do the steps to get back to it asap(cold shower, walk)
      • warmup NOT JUST IN THE MORNING(HH review, go over important spots/things to remember, visulize playing-how to act mostly-ALWAYS, if u have no HH then watch a HU mastermind video)
      • more speciffic affirmations/targets to be reminded ingame;
      This is the best you can do right now-to be present, it can't get any better than this
      U won't quit and self pitty like u always do, losing focus is a choice, therefore losing/failing is a choice
      How lazy u must be if u feel bored when playing this complex game
      Look at the next hand like if it was the first one or like as if you'd be reviewing HH
      When losing just make sure you don't lose too much and remember that if cards fall right u can make it all back in one hand-patience
      When losing focus even more, don't be a moron
      Not why this is happening but why are you ahving this feelings towards it
      Posture/alarm/ring/notes
      Never look at fish as fish-no entiltlement to win
      • get another 200€ and deposit
      • table select more->no tighters unless can be easly grinded down, no tricky villains(if it's hard to spot leaks don't play him)
      Villains I've encountered that I had problems with:
      -donk but doesn't fold to raise, aggro IP, calling station
      -tricky guys traping TP, doing "random" stuff w/ same hands
      (do a HH review of this guys again and note what tilted you, how to adapt, how to spot it)
      • no tv/no sweets/avoid salty food/enough water
      • Be alone more-laser focused-this will enable me to listen to my gut more
      • Only 1 tables/2 players in blaze
      • New spots:
      If villain is PROBING TURN 65%+ basically all bluffs+value but not Ax, and YOU HAVE 4th pair OTT, villain CHECKS, and ACE is OTF, ->TURN HAND INTO A BLUFF, cuz he has 2nd/3rd pair most of the time
      LIMPED POT, flop goes CHECK CHECK, we are OOP, turn is a lower card 2-5, villain bets ->RAISE! low cards hit their limping range, when I check twice they think I'm week and thin value bet ->just x/r
      Put more attention on limped pot when OOP and villain check back flop.
      Put more attention on what % of hands to defend BB cuz villains oppening range
      limped/srp donk/prbT 3rd pair OOP if villain bets F&T a lot
      if something is inconsistent he hit something later on!
      • In game general:
      Don't be lazy in limped/srp->XXB IP OOP, turn hand into bluff, prbT more in limped
      is he capable of doing it? cross reference info
      first see SD, then make adjustments, don't imagine things
      how do I beat this guy
      • Don't eat like a pig for lunch/dinner so you can play afterwards
      • Don't do hard leg workout in the gym->do instanity instead
      • Plan one day ahead/prepare clothes/see possible obstacles and prepare for them
      • There is no shame in low volume, there is shame in not being present and follow rules that you've set up
      • Life stuff:
      When u feel bad/angry ask WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM IT.

      Everything that happens to me is necessary in order for me to become a champion.
      What would my highest self do in this situation?
      Even if u feel it has no effect and life is gray do the things on the to/do list.
      Never be rude to people because you're losing in poker.
      Always look for the good in people, everyone can teach you something.
      Focus only on the things you can control.
      Sacrifice WHAT YOU ARE for what YOU will BECOME.
      Be grateful. You have a great life.

      MOST IMPORTANT TO CHANGE:

      Laser focus! Be alone more. Think more, be more present. Don't let the mind to become lazy. Listen to your gut!

      ----------------------

      Now this might all seem overwhelming to remember but this are life truths I've found to work for me. I don't expect to remember/use them all but this is the never ending target. Things I'll get back to every single day and try to implement it in my thinking to become my second nature. Probably will take months but when I do get in in my blood I believe my life will be more joyful and fulfiled. Controling thoughs and train the brain what to remember/revert to in certain situations I believe is the key. First there is a thought. Then everything else. Control the thoughts, control your life.

      Plan tmrw:

      Wake up 9.30/prepare clothes-dress for success/cold shower/breakfast
      warmup-HH review, visualize how to act, go over spots to remember, revert to this post
      play
      Warmup again after lunch
      ...

      youtube.com/watch?v=CcYWCe1cIg8 - can't believe this motivates me
    • flow wrote:

      do you post a weekly graph? keep on going man!
      Yeah, a weekly graph would be cool. And as @durrrrrsmom already mentioned, keep up your good work!


      dovrha wrote:

      Stacks:
      SB ($103.7BB) 104bb
      BB Hero ($102.95BB) 103bb
      Pre-Flop: (1.5BB, 2 players) Hero is BB

      SB raises to 2BB, Hero raises to 8BB, SB calls 6.5BB

      Flop: ($18BB, 2 players)
      Hero checks, SB checks
      Turn: ($18BB, 2)
      Hero checks, SB bets 13BB, Hero calls 13BB
      River: ($44BB, 2)
      Hero checks, SB bets 39.1BB, Hero calls 39.1BB
      Final Pot: $122.2BB
      SB shows

      Hero shows

      SB wins $121.2BB (net +$62.6BB)
      Hero lost $60.1BB
      Don't know on which sample size you've based your assumptions, but without a solid read I would fold OTR. Don't think people at these stakes bluff enough to make it a good call. But I am not sure. Maybe some crusher can help us and share their thoughts ;)
    • DAY 7

      Time Played: 6h
      Hands Played: 1200
      Profit: 55

      Tough day. Morning routing, then played as usual. Was up 5BI already felt great but didn't want to be unfocused cuz of it so played fine although made some mistakes but probably cuz of longer sessinons than usual and playing late. I only have 2 sites since I lost a lot of money so action was low otherise could put in a lot more. While waiting I read The mastery, also got The gorilla mindset which I'm looking forward to read. Overall I had a variance lesson today, first making 5BI like nothing, hitting everything, than played vs the biggest loser ever and was b/e after 300 hands cuz just didn't hit anything. Sure I lost a bit of focus in the menwhile so I could have picked up some more pots for sure but still. After that guy I started hitting again like crazy for 30min but vs some thingher so no pay out. Whatever I'm happy.

      I had no distractions no nothing only poker in mind. I was also watchign some Ted talks etc. so my eyes are bit tired, back too. I finished first week of meditation(been doing it 8 days in a row but first day way guided) now I'm following the routine from 8minute meditation book, first week was just focusing on the breath. Next week starting tmrw will be focusing on noise/sound I think, ahve to read it still.

      Now I have 200€ on the way + RB from last month(135€) so I'll deposit that so I have 4 sites or so which will be enough action.

      I wanted to watch new episode of new girl today or some vikings but fck it, first I need a positive month. I also turned down cuple of invites for drinks this week so that's ok.

      I feel like I need to work on my game more. Think about it more, go through more spots, maybe I'll do that tmrw, depends on how I feel.

      Plan tmrw

      • visualize before going to bed
      • sleep 8h
      • morning routine
      • review HH/think about it deeper not just oh it looks fine/remember some spots
      • when u play, play A game, and only play in favourable lineups
      • gym(biceps/shoulders)
      • meditation


      Obstacles you will encounter:
      grandparent are coming for 2 days, be prepared for some more noise, some more fake smiles, listening to how I should find something useful to do, ->seek even more to be alone, laser focused, don't waste time

      I need to be tenacious! People normaly lose the drive after they start, and say it's normal. fuck that, it is NOT NORMAL. I have to be more efficient, in every moment asking myself, am I really doing everything I can/giving everythign I got? this is the theme w/ which I'm entering next week! Be tencious. Be great.
    • WEEKLY REPORT #1

      Time Played: 35h
      Hands Played: 7900
      Profit: -140€
      Rakeback: cca 50€

      I've been writing this long daily reports so I don't have anything more to say. The week has been good. I can see the improvement. But there's so much more to do. I'm looking forward to it, can't wait actually, but have to be patient one step at a time. Next week I wanna table select more, work on my game more, play only 2h/day if I feel I need to work on my game which I do, I need quality atm!, be focused more when on break, focus more in game, play(write this posts) while standing up some more, using every moment as efficiently as possible.

      One thing though I noticed is that I have two types of mindsets fighting. One-when I focus on outer world: games are getting tougher, everbody is succeeding except you, if you're not winnign after 100k hands maybe this is not for you, life is hard and u have no idea what you're doing. Two-when I look into myself-I know exactly what I want and how to get it, I'm more creative/action taking than most people, I'm improving but need some time, This is gonna be a great life echoing into eternity ... and then agin, but what if u simply don't make money w/ poker? .... I will do whatever it takes, if I go busto I'll reload, what's the worst that can happen? start again .... what if .... this is how my mind looks like if I'm not focusing on play or interaction with people ... when I'm alone, doing nothing, it's hard ... but as frank sinatra said :

      Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
      When I bit off more than I could chew.
      But through it all, when there was doubt,
      I ate it up and spit it out.
      I faced it all and I stood tall;
      And did it my way.

      Weekly graph:
    • I noticed I'm notu sure exactly how to work on my game, so here's what I'll do:

      go over HUD and write down leaks+adaptations/inventing scenarios for every opponent 100+ hands
      study(go over all HH) players who come often and you feel there's more info you could get on them
      study speccific opponent types that give you trouble
      look at poker as meditation->try to focus and refocus all the time(this week mission), focus meaning: review notes often/sizings/HUD-SD relation
      mark spots during the game
      +calculations + video for warmup

      ---

      About the JJ hand I posted some time ago ... that guy is a weak reg, comes often, so I decided to study him, I noticed soo much leaks, so today I played him, took him 0.5BI and he left which felt great, that's why I decided to study opponent a lot more. And yes JJ hand was TERRIBLE I have no excuse. He does not BIP bluff OTF which makes it less likely that he does it OTT also his Dcb is low which I think we can translate in this case as well+I should just ask myself if he wanted to bluff he'd do it OTF wouldn't he? ... also I noticed that he does bet bigger when bluffing but also with nuts on wet so is a bit balanced. Anyways off to work.
    • yeah of course, 2/3 of the time I one table, sometimes two. For now I decided to stick to one table, to get the basics right. It wouldn't be a problem to play 3 tables putting in tons of volume but I feel I'm not ready, need to work more on quality than quantity. No I will not have scheduled days off. If I feel I need it I'll take it, or if something comes up.
    • DAY 8

      Time Played: 4h10min
      Hands Played: 800
      Profit: 20€

      It's been the worst/best day up to this point. Also I consider it as my day off cuz I will take 2h off after I write this. Basically everything has been normal, the problem was that I was not focused enough cuz I was sitting on the bed reading a book while waiting for action and when someone came I went str8 playing w/o thinking what should I focus on etc. This lad to poor decisions also I've noticed tilt for the first time, I did not lose any money cuz of it cuz I quit but I learned a valuable lesson. Basically I noticed how entitled to win feel when holding KK or AA, or Ahigh flush for example. I understand now that we should not feel entitled to win when playing fish but never thought of this. I knew that lots of times in 3bp I'll need to xf river w/ AA or whatever, but wasn't really prone to fold turns lol so I made some bad calls but I see it now, I'm a bit ashamed actually but it is what it is.

      Another factor for distraction and why this day is so great is that some personal wish came true and I've been high on it whole day, huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I also meditated focusing on the sound for the first time, I like it, it's easier than breath for me, and also I did it for 15 minutes instead of 10 but difference is HUGE I didn't think it'll be that way, I feel in those 5 min more I went so much deeper.

      Last two things that make this day great are 2 adaptations I will do and I believe cuz of it my game will skyrocket:

      1)in pt4 I configured everything so that there's no way I can check results of how I'm doing, I will only do it once a week

      2)Haven't tried this yet but think its genious, since most of our decisions are not bad cuz of poor startegy knowledge but poor focus I decided to record myself on phone saying"be present, focus on sizings/stc." and I will put it on repeat for every 3 minutes or so ... so I will have constant reminders that I should focus and how, like having a coach breathing behind my neck

      Also I plan on making days more scheduled, since I will have more sites I won't have to wait for action so I will be more focused, and also if there is no action while waiting I won't do anything except think about the game

      That's it guys, see ya
    • DAY 9

      Time Played: 5h
      Hands Played: 1k

      Felt great in the morning woke up at 8 already, everything was on schedule, except that I decided to take longer breaks, if I didn't feel like going back in after 30min break I took 40min or so, I was playing great. I also removed $ won vs speciffic opponent during session from HUD and I noticed how adicted I was to it, now that it's gone I still catch myself looking there a lot of times, glad that I sorted this out, huge EV+ move. I wanted to play 7h today but this last 50min killed me. I was playing a fish for 130 hands vs whom I just couldn't win, I couldn't figure him out, he was calling a lot, donking a lot, being aggro IP and OOP probing, check raising, had 3 different sizings etc. So I was telling myself focus focus be patient and somehow I managed to do it but then when I finally made some money back I got full house vs full house, he sucked out OTR. I snap quit everything.

      Anger started building, I was looking for something to release it, something to break or jerk off or some fix. But then I decided that not this time and I just observed it, sat on the bed thinking about why I feel that way and in my mind I was like it's unfair, I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this .... then I heard this song invincible and kind of stopped being angry but I still didn't feel like playing since my confidence was crushed. I decided to study this guy in detail, even though he's a fish I saw he sat me before, in October 2015 on NL20, so I assume he'll come back, especially since he's 70€ up on me. So I started doing this reviews going over 170 hands start to end and nothing made sense nothing on the first glance I was like he has no patterens it's just random and hitting so much but I wasn't satisfied with this so went all over it again in greather detail like what boards specifficaly he does what. My ego can't stand that some fish has such a strategy that I can't figure out so next time I wanna be prepared for him.

      Here's what I learned(gonna recap so I can post it into pt4 notes):

      LIMPED POTS(his limp/bet stat is 70%)

      paired boards:
      check back is nuts
      bet pot is bluff->call light flop bet river

      in general:
      check back is weak, bet turn and river!
      does NOT check flop bet turn bluff or XXB bluff!->if check back bets turn raise him and overpot river cuz he's weak! unles overcard comes

      semi dry boards(J26hh) overpot is bluff! if he goes BXB, or continues turn he HIT somehitng cuz he never bluffs again

      wet boards: whenever he overpots he will also BXB, cuz he percieves your rvr check weak and gos for thin value but DONT raise bluff cuz calls wide
      whenever he bets only pot he has like 3rd pair but doesn't BXB, if he does he hit something or missed gutter or so->RAISE HIS BXB here and see

      3bp and limp/raised pots

      DO NOT raise small cbets, it can be nuts or 3rd pair, same goes for turn
      BIP turn if flush/overcards/str8 comes and bomb the river overpot bluff if u hit flush check back raise river smaller(2p will call)
      you can expl. fold to small bets sizings on BXB line like 1/3 pot

      SRP/Donks

      Never BXB bluff, do it lighter for value, especially if BDFD got there(calls 4th pair)
      RAISE bxb more when OOP and also when he donks!
      figure out what he's doing with probings but 1/2 sizig IS WEAK->RAISE
      Always fold to xr cuz he only does it w/ 2p+
      on low connected or mono figure out what donks mean
      check back good hands! and raise lighter for value
      when donks on low T62 DONT RAISE but barrel when he doesn't(donks top/2nd pair)
      when donks on higher wet Q87hh RAISE and CONTINUE TURN cuz donks pot w/ 3rd pair/calls TP/draws
      0.6 donk sizing in general weak! unless cb

      raise limps: 99+ AT+ suited broadways KJ+ QJ

      That's it. Gonna get a good night sleep now, forget about things and tmrw 9am sharp battle begins again. I need to drive my grandma to the shop though so it will take some of my time again but anyways I really want an 8h grind day already but always something comes up. Also since I'm back home there's a lot of stuff going on always and I need to do this and that and I tilted me, but then I though that I actually deserve it cuz if I were making 5k/month everybody would know that I'm working and leave me alone but now just think I'm playing around. Also my father said that he might have some home made cure for my constantly appearing herpes to eliminate it forver and I said if u give me this I'll take u out to a nice diner, and my grandma was like you ain't gonna do nothing, you're broke as shit. It hurt me deeply. I need to make money to prove them all worong. Actually fck it I'm gonna go play now, no time for sleep.
    • @flow haha hilarious. well I don't really care if it's the end of Feb cuz I only started so I won't post Feb graph but rather weekly graph #2 in a few days.

      Finally came home and got time. Now that I look at yesterday again I was in a bad mood even though it was a great day, overall I played great, could adapt a bit quicker and missed 2 bluffing spots but other than that it was great, I made some tough folds, implemented some things, mediated etc. I should have looked at the bigger picture it'd bring me peace, instead of focusing on losing again. I can't comprehend that our minds are so weak that even though I understand on rational level that variance exist and it's huge and suckouts/coolers will happen and I still need like 5h or so to get back in the flow again.

      Even if I say to myself dude it's just variance, something deep inside me(voice "I deserve it, it's not fair, why cant catch a break") always prevails and I don't know how to shut it down immediatey. I guess it's because we are emotional creatures and emotios are better motivation than just rational understanding of things so I guess what I need to do is find some emotional heck that will be stronger than this voice because logical mind obv has no power in this circumstances. I need to face negative emotions with positive ones, I'm not sure how I'm gonna do it yet, have to create some mental image that will deeply resonate with me. I'm not satisfied w/ 5h time frame to pass in order to my body totaly calm down and turn a new sleeve. I believe it's true that we must listen to our vibrations and act accordingly, but what if we can deliberately change that vibrations with some motivation based on emotions.

      Not sure, but one thing I can actually do is implement my safe zone. Safe zone meaning whenever I feel I'm about to do something that might not be the best thing but also not the worst I'll go for a walk, it'll be my time to think things through before doing somehing that's not the most EV+. Example yesterday after playing I watched an episode of new girl, it wasn't bad but also it'd be better to go to sleep or think some things through. In my mind I knew that and cuz it wasn't bad and cuz I didn't have a strict schedule after playing I did it. Now this will only draw me into old habits, I need to go for a walk next time when I'm in doubt. Also I only played 15min more yesterday cuz I lost half stack vs SS a7 4b shove vs his 30% 3b over large sample and he had nuts so I called it for the day. Also woke up at 8 so I'm a bit tired. I'll work hard today and tmrw so I can sleep in a bit on Saturday cuz I feel I'll need it.

      Plan today:

      eat breakfast
      meditate
      warmup(go over spots, visualize how to sit down and be calm, go over HH)
      play-scheduled sessions and breaks(if no action listen to musci, think about the game)

      life is movement, if I stand up, do a few pullups/handstands etc. I feel so much better I can also think more clearly, it's snowing a bit and it's depressing outside for a long time now, I mis sun so much, I need to put more positive energy in my life otherwise I feel like a lifeless robot

      ok no more talking!
    • DAY 10

      Time Played: 1h40min
      Hands Played: 200

      fuck this. I'm done for today. Really don't know where to begin.

      I'm gonna write this so that when I make it I'll have the struggles captured. Also I have nothing else to do really. Only thing I've been doing for past few months is poker, I don't hang out with anybody since everybody is asking how I'm doing and I don't wanna answer that question. I can read a book so that's probably what I'm gonna do besides listening to music and thinking about stuff. I might put in Pink Floyd Pulse and let it take me away.

      But basically I'm really dissapointed, not even angry anymore but kind of hopeless. I'm just so tired of losing, it's so not fun, and I'm running out of confidence to say every time oh just change this and you'll make it or it's just variance yada yada bottom line is, I'm a losing player, over 110k hands I'm a fucking losing player and whatever I do seems not to work. I learned a lot though, a lot more than if I went to college. And this is not self pity post. I'm done with self pity, I notice how lately I only look for solutions(except when I get sucked out lol) so that's one positive side of it.

      Anyways, woke up today as mentioned and didn't feel like playing I was tired, my eyes were closing but I decided to play to the best of my ability so I kept an eye on my posture but anyways lost like 1.5BI in 1h I don't even know where, here and there a little bit. I got angry and frustrated again since I knew I was on Agame, couldn't do anything better. I couldn't play anymore, I felt sick and angry of fish grinding me down. I was telling myself to calm down etc. but my mind wouldn't listen I wanted to smash things again so I screamed into the pillow. While laying in bed w/ thoughs like weak is for sleep angry at myself for not being able to perform better I fell asleep.

      Slept like 4h, on waking up I sat on the bed again thinking how I have to change my mind. I read this piece that everything is neutral in the beginning but our mind puts reality to it like how we feel about it and it made so much sense so I though of my expectations etc and was ready to play my Agame again. I played for 40min. Made 1BI but then this villain grinded me down 1.5BI again, have no idea like was he running good or I wasn't adapting quick enough but basically it seemed again that whatever I do/think things don't get better, maybe I just suck at the strategic part of the game so much.

      And here I am.

      Solutions:

      1) in game: maybe I should be value beting thinly a lot more like BXB line in 3bp/limp raised pots, maybe I should be adapting quicker, maybe I should be shoving more turns for bluff since a lot of fish 2bar lightly but I have no idea when

      one example:

      this villains 3b 30% over 50 hand sample, I called two times, first time he check/called my BIP bluff on wet and after I checked turn he bet pot river(probably slowplayed something), second time he check called on mono Q67 I had QJ w/o FD so I bet turn again half pot and he raised me, obviously he slowplayed something again since turn raise is not likely to be a bluff in this spot, so next time J52hh board he did cb close to pot I had T8 or something should I immediately raise his cb since he's likely to xc nuts?

      2) in general I see I need to change my expectations, this was also explained in Maximum Achievement how expectations makes us happy or sad all the time and if we have expectations wrong we'll be unhappy all the time

      Basically if I look deep down in myself right now I'm not proud, I'm ashamed, that's why I also don't ahng out w/ anybody, that's why I feel such hate vs everybody since I'm not happy with myself. And I'm scared that I won't make it in poker, cuz if I don't I'll lose my whole identity since I percieved myself as this guy who succeeds in whatever he wants to and if this doesn't work out I will never be the same again. Poker will either make me or break me that's why I will do whatever it takes to succeed. But that's another problem, I feel like I'm doing the work but nothing seem to come out. God forbid that I compare myself to others, then the real depression begins. Looking at all this CFP guys making it, or my previous roomates grinding whole day etc. I feel dumb as shit if I read other peoples blogs making it so easy. That's why for long time now I don't read any such things except of people whos blogs really bring value.

      Pokerwise I notice how ashamed I feel if I don't put in 8h play, or if I go to bed, or if I don't do the thing I said I'm gonna do. It's because since forever I've been hearing unless u play 8h/day don't bother, sleep is for the weak, successful people do what they say .. so this three things became a part of me and whenever I can't play/or I sleep in/or my plans change so I can't do what I said I'd do I become frustrated. I believe this three things are the root of my frustration, besides losing. Whenever I break one of this rules I feel people mocking me even though there probably is no people lol

      So yeah I will work on this. How? remind myself of what's going on and listen to how I feel and act acordingly.

      Although I don't believe this will change a whole lot in term of me winning. I will take a day off today and from now on make sure I'm rested, only playing vs people worse than me, quit if I feel I don't know what I'm doing vs someone and don't get upset that I can't beat him and accept that there are some fish player types that I can't beat w/ my knowledge, and put more attention on my expectations, I will say out loud every morning what I expect from the day, and obv keet playing focused.